#thisisgrief
This was me yesterday. In the morning, I was cheerful and eager to serve with #mercychefs at their new Beacon on the Hill kitchen in Kerrville. I even wore my @jamieelizabeth #hillcountrystrong earrings. It was a good morning, and I helped feed around 1,000 of my neighbors a home-cooked meal.
By afternoon, I received news that our flood remediation building supplies were still delayed, meaning another month of temporary rent is due, and another month of rental income is also lost. None of which our flood insurance covers.
I found myself in the middle of Wal-Mart, on the phone, crying and questioning in an all-too-loud voice what in the world was going on and how in the world were we going to get through all of this. And then it finally happened. I got mad, y’all. Really, truly angry.
Miss Susie Sunshine–who up until this point was too blessed to be stressed and too thankful things weren’t worse– left the building. In her wake, this sobs-when-she’s-angry mess arrived. And she didn’t want to see the bright side. She wanted to feel sorry for herself and her situation. She went to the chapel and interchangeably took turns telling God how mad she was and then how sorry she was for being mad, and then how mad she was followed by how sorry she was, ad finitem. Gah, I absolutely hate feeling this way.
But this is grief. And unfortunately, I know her all too well. I know God is big enough to handle my anger and that He already knows my feelings before I even share them with Him. I know He didn’t cause the flood, but it still happened. We are still in a financial mess. The city is in a financil mess. The county is in a financial mess. There are still missing people. The survivors (and this entire community can call themselves “survivors”) are still mourning the staggering loss of life. So many of us are still displaced.
But, just in case I’m not the only one feeling this way, let me reassure you … the anger will fade, and we will move forward in this healing process. I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, when we reside here in the land of sobbing and wailing, but we are going to be okay.
I pray for each and every one of you that is feeling anything like I am feeling. Be kind and generous with one another. Give yourselves permission to feel, though. We can’t get over or around or under this catastrophe … we have to forge our way through it, together. If you’re getting tired, please ask for help. There are resources all around us.
Remember, when the river rose, so did we. Keep rising.
Grieving, but His,
Nicki
Expressively HIS ... 